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44 and finished?

I’m fighting, really fighting. My kids are in the back and my girlfriend is next to me and I am almost crying. Is this the way it was supposed to be? No money in the bank and not being able to afford anything?

I really think that I am not the only one and it shows very clearly when the suicide rates are increasing among men and the honest truth is that someting just do not work. And now I can see why and it is not supposed to be an excuse for anything however if this can help someone it would please me.

I called the bank and asked if they could help and they declined since I have two kids and according to their excel sheet, it is too expensive for me. I have never missed a deadline in my life on a morgage and the very reason I am asking for help is to avoid it in the future. I am stuck and smile when the kids come downstairs in the morning although on the inside I am split apart like a zipper on a jacket. I don’t give up and this may be the very thing that have put me in this position. Even when things clearly do not work I still hold on hoping it will turn.

My mind plays this trick on me “they don’t mean that”, “she will change”, “I will find a solution”. What really happens is that I often becomes influenced by other people before they even have said anything. “she won’t approve that”, “he will get after me for that”, “I want to change my life but i don’t have the money” and this is without even having the person in the same room. Everyone has the same problem and it really holds them back in any perspective of life. This is a reason why people loose their self and gets so far out in the woods that it is hard to get back home.

To many people fights for their financial foundaition since this is more important than the physical world. It is a broad statement however in many cases it is true. We become slaves to the economy and hence measures our life compared to others. And to no surprise. I went to the bank in order to be able to buy clothes and shoes for my kids, and not because I enjoy the morgage. Being in my mid 40tys and just had my first bankrupcy and having no experience with such failure it really is a struggle to convince others that this is a tough period and it will pass. It is a financial winter, the trick is to have enough firewood to heat the food and keep warm. Money is todays firewood.

Do I quit? NO. But honestly, it would probably be better to have a shoulder to cry on sometimes, even at 44 years old, than to buy a coaching lesson from someone. I think grown men sometimes need just that, I have been tough and kept my face straight for years and it just does not work. In order to get back up sometimes you need to sit down first. And when you find someone that is willing to sit down and just let all your fuses and safety valves break and open to shut down for a little bit, it helps with getting back up.

44 and fighting. Reading all the good advices and taking courses to improve and I know there are more people of the same. The other day I stoped by another mid life man and jokingly said that maybe his daughter would grow up to become an electrician just like himself. He replied “I hope not”. It proves to me that more people struggle with regrets of their former choices and it is probably the biggest disease we have on this planet.

I really want to travel, I want to grab my kids and get on a plane to somewhere and show them that this is an amazing place. Show them that the oportunities, creativity and inovation that they can not see in the daily life do exist. Not only on a screen, but it is real!! I want to show them the biggest building in the world, the greenest grass, biggest farm, importance of the rain forest and how nature is put together and balanced. I want to find out who I really am and if there is a better version of me, locked up inside of me but scared to show itself for others. I want to buy old buildings in USA and elsewhere and turn them into places where people can visit and see fot themselves that it can be done! I like the soul of the work better than the finished result. The reason for the rich man to have a clean home is that someone empties the trash can on the curb.

But I am held back by the feeling and the impression that a good family sticks together. I am accepting that I need to limit myself and not go places because my girlfriend wants to live the life of her mom. My granddad wanted to be a aircraft engineer, he even rented a house and started the work however, in order not to disapoint the pride of his dad, he went back to farming insted of going for his dream. I do not think i he went back in order to save the farm, he went back to avoid the fights of the family and to do what someone else expected of him. I can almost hear my great granddad preaching for his son that all he had been fighting for would be lost if he didn’t get back home and saved the family pride.

I will never know the true story, but when I bought the farm to save it from being sold to someone outside the family, my granddad was disapointed that his lifes work did not leave much financial return. He farmed the best he could and did everything seemingly right for the family. He took care of everyone and took care of his land better than anyone. But I think he lived his whole life based on a choice of pleasing his dad. And for all I know maybe his dad did the same thing. Maybe the habit of being stuck can be traced for generations? Maybe the men in their 40tys just did not let go of the former generations habits? A slave is someone that sacrifice his life for the integrity. In other words, he would rather have a poor life and follow others opinion rather than die.

It is interesting that we turn ourselves into slaves for others in a world that do not demand it. We feel it being wrong to follow our own voice. We want to be happy howver we wrongfully believe that commiting to others peoples lack of respect for a free choice is more worth than helping others in the way we choose.

If I don’t go for what I want, I will please one person. If I do follow my passion I can please millions of people. And maybe the people I am trying to please the old way is not even above ground? Am I pleasing the dead instead of loving the living? No wonder my life is depressing, no wonder I feel lonely. No wonder I some days want to live among the dead.

I see now the insanity in it. My feeling is connected to my genes. My habits are formed by bad habbits of my former generations. If just one person in my family would have gone for their dream (now thinking about it, my dad actually did however never got acknowledged for it). I now see that my dads family have more of the creator in it. They live on family ground however the old buildings are gone, the life they lived are remembered and honored however the life itself is their own. We all come from two families that most likely is totally different. So far I have followed the one that, in the past, did not go for their own integrity.

How do I become the link in the chain that by choice breaks and releases the possibility and proves that breaking is the best thing you can do. Break loose and let other do the same. Living on other peoples lack of the same thing. We ususally thinks of a slave as a poor person and the master of being evil due to his punishment of others.


Then why do we enslave ourselves and punish ourself? We are the poor and the evil to ourselves. The oposite is rich and helpfull. You can help more people by showing them what you love, and showing them can only be performed by doing what you love.

The work is in breaking the chains that have kept generations locked up. How do I do that?


I will try to write that out in the next post. Keep on, find out what you want.

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